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More To The Story And Then We Die, Posted Yesterday?

I hate New York. It’s so frigin crowded. I was somewhere in the middle of nowhere and there were so many people I felt like I had been crammed into the middle of a tinny elevator with millions of people in it. Not to mention the fact, I was starving. There were so many restaurants screaming for me to come and enjoy it, but I had left all my money at the morgue. My toga/lab coat outfit really didn’t get any attention. Everyone here looks like freaks.
As a passed a Hot Topic store, I saw a chick walk out with a nose ring, mini skirt, and boots. I busted out laughing. It was HI-LAIR-IOUS. I walked into the store. You see, I had been through here before. I had friends in NY. One of them was Mike. I called him Big Mike. But that’s a whole nother story.
“HEY BIG MIKE”, I yelled at the top of my lungs. He always hated it when I yelled. I walked up to the counter just as he walked out of the back room. Big Mike was about 250 pounds and built. He had black smooth hair, cut military style. He was in one of his many black mussel shirts and tight, ripped, skull genes. As soon as he saw me, he stopped and sighed. Then he started to laugh.
“Nice outfit you got there! Wild party?” He could barley even manage to get those words out he was laughing so hard.
“Yea, yea. I get it. What have you done with your face?” I asked like I was shocked.
“What, what are you talking about?”
“It’s, it’s, it’s just so ugly!”
“Ha, ha. What do you want Rush?”
“Obviously, I need some cloths.”
“Be right back.” He sighed and went to the back.
Big Mike was a good guy. He didn’t ask questions. He only knew so much, but it was enough. He’s helped me out before. But like I said, that’s a whole nother story. All I wanna say is were good friends now and he’s always giving me what I needed. Cloths, money, knives, whatever. He was always there for me.
I was looking at the latest styles in tongue rings when Mike came back out. When I saw what was in his arms I almost choked. WAS HE SERIOUS. When he saw my reaction, he just grinned.
“What, you don’t like it? It’s all I’ve got” He said with a smug little smile.
“No, it’s fine. Lovely, actually.”
I stopped away to the dressing room. There was a shower in there. Mike had put it in just for me. In one of our previous engagements. I stripped off my toga and turned on the water. It felt nice to be free. I turned on the shower and stepped in. You know that chorus of angles that sing beind you on those really amazing parts of movies. You know, the Angles that sing “Ahhhhh”. That’s what it felt like. The water rushed over me like I hadn’t taken one in days. Oh wait, I haven’t. In other words it was great. It was so nice to be clean and wash my body over. Like twelve times. My hair finally felt clean. When I looked down at the water washing off of me, I cringed. It was a reddish brown. Blood and dirt. The price of running for a living. I slid out of the shower and automatically felt wiped out. But hey, I smelled good. Like yummy cherries. Go me.
It didn’t take me long to put on the clothing. There wasn’t much. He’d given me a short, short, green mini skirt, a sleeveless black tank-top, and knee high black, tight leather boots. In fact, if I turned the right way, you couldn’t even tell I was wearing anything.I looked adorable. While I was in the dressing room, Mike through in a brush and some make up. Had to cover up them bruises with something. Brushing my hair was a whole nother matter. Have you ever tried to pull your hand through a bail of hay. Well if you haven’t, it pretty hard. That doesn’t even match trying to brush my hair. It took longer than anything else.
When I walked out, Mike asked if I felt better. I rolled my eyes and walked towards the back. I slid beind the counter and slapped Big Mike on the butt. He he. I’m so funny. The back was basically a mini wear house with cloths and other junk for the store. Back in the corner was a small bed Mike always had set up for me. It was just long enough for me. I was pretty short though, so it’s hard to find a bed for me. I’m only around 5’1. The bed was soft and the pillows were down. The cover and sheet was playboy. Gorgeous. I slid into the bed and as soon as my head slammed into the pillow, kinda like a bulldozer, I was out. Then the dreams started.

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  1. Shadow, you really do need to spend time correcting errors. From at least one other answer you can see readers are losing interest. I may make a suggestion or two regarding spelling for example, but it’s your story & you have to take responsibility for its entirety.
    OK, lecture over.
    Please don’t use vulgar terms like friging (which you misspelled). If you want to use current slang, wouldn’t freaking be better? The same goes w/ offensive words. Drop freaks & use nonconformists or unconventional. Replace chick w/ “a person of the female gender or so I thought.”
    Love TINY (not tinny) elevator image.
    I agree w/ store needing new name.
    How was Mike built? Something like an 18-wheeler or a linebacker. Be creative & think of something like “he was as solidly built as one of the old trees in Central Park”. Simply say black military-style buzz cut for his hair.
    After your face I’d suggest I feigned (or pretended) shock.
    cloths=clothes. nother=different. were=we’re
    As said by others the shower scene is too weird. The back room could bepartitionedd off to make Mike’s living quarters. “He said it was to save rent. I said he was too cheap for security.
    I like the head/pillow vision. You may want to say it’s like a bulldozer shuddering to a halt.
    Keep that dry wit coming. I really enjoy your humor. It’s kind of sly & creeps in unexpectedly.

    - goldie
  2. You have too many errors and issues that it is unreadable.

  3. is this part 2, and when’s part 3?

    - gemini
  4. umm.
    first off. hot topic is a chain so i don’t think employers would put showers in the dressing rooms. if it was a store you created it would make more since.
    but um. you seem to have a general direction for the characters, it may take longer to get there, but they will.
    i haven’t read any other parts to this story but i liked the secret of why she is running away from something. it makes the story intersting.
    its really an ok piece of work, if you keep writing different stuff you can improve as you get older.

    - Starwatc
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