You know, I really like it! I think that it’s rather original, despite the whole ‘forbidden love’ sort of ordeal with a vampyre and a mortal. I do have some suggestions for you:
I write fantasy as well. The one thing I found that captures my reader is the thought in which goes into the creatures and worlds that I create. Instead of calling the horned-horse a unicorn, it becomes more realistic if you call it a name that you have created. For my fantasy creatures, I use words in which people don’t use any more: if you google “brownielocks words”, there is a site that has an alphabetical list of words that people don’t use any more. For some creatures that I created, I used a word that meant “sudden fear”, because they were beasts of the night. I suggest this so strongly because I’ve always figured that if such fantastical creatures existed, then they would not have the names that mankind has tacked on to them. Make sense? Even if it’s fantasy, you really want your reader to start believing.
That being said, I really love how you portrayed vampyres and how mystical creatures are bad. Don’t be afraid to make up an entirely new species, too, based upon, perhaps, creatures we are familiar with today.
The plot, though, seems a little simplistic. I understand your reasoning for cutting bits out, so I can’t really say for sure, but I would, even so, suggest plenty of twists and intriguing events within, to better engage the reader with this world that you are creating. Alas, in fantasy — actually, in any genre, really — twists don’t entirely work as sharp turns. In my fantasy novels, I always take care to lather the first few hundred pages with foreshadowing before I slap my reader with unveiled knowledge; like a breadcrumb trail, in a sense. That way, when you reveal the truth of the character or the world or whatever, your reader will get more excited over it, realizing how obvious it was now that she knows the truth; but how hidden it was without knowing. You know what I mean? This may even prompt the reader to reread the book, to catch what the author had scattered within; I believe that Rowling was successful at that throughout the brilliant Harry Potter books. That aside, I like what you have, yet would like it even more so if it had more depth (but hey, maybe it does, considering I haven’t actually read it. Just keep my suggestion in mind, in the case).
Also, the one thing I stress the most to people when they are writing their books is that the characters define the book entirely. Really truly understand your characters; I like to think that the people who supposedly enjoy my novels like them especially for the characters. This is easy to accomplish when you get fully engaged in your work; even when I’m not writing, I’m constantly thinking about the novel in which I’m currently working on. I place my characters in my position sometimes and try to judge just what they will do, considering their ‘character’istics. Realistic and believable characters – not just cardboard cutouts – drive the fast lane to a successful book (not to mention the originality of the plot and writing, but that’s the obvious). Sit down and have a cup of coffee with your characters; it’s okay, authors are allowed to be insane in that sense because it totally works. I mean, my life is crafting fictional lives in hopes that they will, in turn, craft mine. And – you know what? – they have. It’s all a part of authoring.
The importance of the characters, also, is to be able to have them touch the reader. I feel a ping of success when my friends cry when they read my book (GOOD IDEA: chapter by chapter, pass your book along to your friend as you write it, then again when you’re done, to have them critique it; pick a friend that will be truthful and is a good reader/writer). My friend, who generally doesn’t read unless she really likes the book (she’s one of those kind of readers, which is really good to see how my books appeal to people like her) started bawling at the funeral scene I wrote. I expressed my character’s pain in depth and at loss of his best friend (by writing down the losses that have undergone) and BAM; tears.
The way to achieve this is to have realistic characters in which your reader will reach out for because they feel for the fiction. It’s sort of how, on many shows and in many movies (example: Ugly Betty), the characters are realistic and you, as example, get embarrassed for them when they’re being foolish. You know? It’s all about reaching the reader in such a way that they will submit to your words.
That was a lot; hope it helped.
( list of words: http://www.brownielocks.com/words.html )
>>Good gracious. That took a while to have Y!A accept it. I’m terribly sorry for that delay, then. but, at least it worked!

Well, I’ve already given you my opinion. LOVE IT.
I read the best answer that you chose for the other question, and I was really surprised to discover that someone else had been thinking along the same lines! Your ideas still seem fresh and original to me. I love your version of the vampyre: it’s sheer genius! It gives so much fresh meaning to them!
And as far as the plot is concerned, LOVE IT TO DEATH! It’s absolutely astounding! It sounds like just the kind of epic-fantasy-in-the-shadows-of-the-real- world that I adore. From reading what you’ve posted, it seems fairly obvious (at least to me) that you’ve got a clear picture in your mind of the direction of the book, the perspectives of the characters, the depiction of the setting.
Basically, you’ve got everything that you need to create a wonderful novel.
I’m also heartened by the fact that your summary includes no misspellings or grammatical errors. To me, that really promotes you as an author and not as an IMer.
If your novel was shelved on a bookstore, I would buy it in a heartbeat.
Congratulations on (from what I can tell) a beautiful story!